Brother Joseph (I'll be back)

Sometimes the peepingstones show me visions of alternate realities -- things that could have been, should have been, or things that actually are, but are just too glorious and unfathomable to either fathom or understand it in the glory that the Lord would have us fathom it. But I try to fathom with the best of them.

Like today, I saw for the first time an actual picture of the actual Joseph and Emma Smith. Apparently, he became the governor along the path to his bid for president. And I also knew he had spiritual fortitude, but I never knew he was this buff. This picture was taken as Joseph was once again covenanting to be faithful in all things.

(Emma sure doesn't look too happy though, does she? [sigh] Women!)

Inappropriate

I picked up a strange transmission on my peepingstones this morning. I'm not sure where this came from, but I am pretty sure it is inappropriate.

(I also need to apologize for my silence this past week. I had to remove my visitor. After three days of his wailing and gnashing he just became a nuisance, so I sent him back where he came from, right up through the sea. It was pretty magnificent, actually (I didn't realize that I had that kind of power -- my own righteousness surprises even me sometimes!) And you know, now that he is gone, I actually sort of miss him. But I can always check up on him with my trusted peeping stones).

The Beast

My visitor slept all day and all through the night. And at times he talked in his sleep. Something about western plague of evil, and great Satan, and Lady Gaga. He still smells like a sea bass, but he seems to have dried off mostly.

But he also seems to be in injured and in pain, because he keeps shouting in weird languages, which was annoying, because it interrupts my scripture reading. I am almost through with the New Testament, and he keeps stopping me dead in my tracks when I get to the Book of Revelations, chapter 13, which has always been my favorite. He just blasts through the place and howls like he's blowing -- oh, I don't know -- ten horns out of seven heads or something. I was really excited when he first showed up, but now he's just starting to annoy me.

And another thing -- I'll tell you what -- the guy snores like a Beast! It must be the beard. And I swear he must have eaten only garlic. Or locusts without the honey. If he doesn't stop it, I swear I may just invoke the power of my peepingstones and send him back up through that stinky sea where he came from.

[sigh] I need to calm down. I need to get back to my roots and remember my goal to be the peaceful, humble, meek, salt of the earth -- yes, I need to be more earthy, and remember my righteous mission of meekly and humbly striking fear into the hearts of the wicked and those who would appose the will of all that is good and decent in the world. Sometimes I don't know what comes over me.

Overheard

My visitor is still sleeping. He looks so peaceful and serene. I am sure he is some kind of new celestial missionary companion or something. I can’t wait to find out more about him. But as I was pondering our future together I heard the following conversation coming through on the peepingstones.

Man’s voice: They’re spinning this like justice has been done, but this is only the beginning.

Woman’s voice: You just know a Jihad is coming, cuz there had to be people lined up to take his place.

Man’s voice: Well, it only took us 10 years. He was under Clinton’s nose the whole time.

Woman’s voice: If he hadn’t been messing around with Monica.

Man’s voice: Yeah – he was putting Jihad on her!

(I have no idea what any of this means.)

The Visitor

Something is different in the bosom of Abraham today. I awoke to find an unexpected guest. I'm actually quite excited. I have heard voices before, so I have known that I am not alone here, but this is the first time I have actually seen someone else since arriving here in my glorious translated state. He's still asleep, and I don't want to wake him, and yet there is something oddly familiar about him, as if I have seen him somewhere before...

He appears to be a little dark-skinned (maybe he was from Mexico, or Arizona), and I'm surprised that they didn't shave him when he was translated -- maybe they were going for the "prophet of old" look. He is also dripping wet, which is actually what woke me up this morning (the unusual smell of sea bass). But I really can't wait to talk to him and find out what ward he was in and if he knew any of my cousins, or any of my cousins' cousins. It will be just like the mission field again. I hope he brought a picture scrapbook!

Oh, this is such a joyous day. I am no longer lone man in the bosom of Abraham! Now I know how Adam felt.

Wait... that sounds kind of weird.

Ask Stephen

So Steven, does everyone get to wear PJ's in Heaven or are you just a bad ass that refuses to wear the white robes? Just curious.

Your fond admirer and devoted follower,

Woozer

*********************************

Dear Brother Woozer,



A few things by way of comment:



1. First of all, a abhor short cuts and the people who make them. They are lazy and the fastest path to the evil one. My name is spelled with a "ph" - not a "v." And while I appreciate that you used the full name "Stephen" as opposed to the more vulgar short cut "Steve" which so many rowdy ex-Elders do these days to try and get a laugh, you did still take a shortcut - perhaps unintentionally -- with the "ph" sound. But the devil cares little about intentions -- mistakes are mistakes -- so care and attention to detail is of the utmost importance, especially when dealing with something as important as names. Because as we learn from the great prophet Michael D Tannehill, it is by names that we are saved -- so watch it (Mormon Expression podcast episode 61).



2. There must have been a glitch in my peepingstone, because the words came out a little blurry. It looks like you asked if I am a bad sport for wearing PJ's. The picture you are referring to was taken of me during my earthly mortal probation while serving on my mission actually. You can't really see it, but the other missionaries in the apartment thought it would be hilarious to put baby powder on my side burns to make my hair look grey, and they called this my stake president pose. I was not amused at the time, nor am I amused now. But rest assured that I do not wear these PJ's in my translated state, nor could I, because in fact...



3. It is a little known fact that resurrected and semi-resurrected beings are resurrected with their white robes sealed and grafted to their eternal bodies. We can't take them off at all, which yields some wonderful blessings (no shopping, no competitive trends in fashion, no laundry, etc) and poses a few problems (see earlier post on "pissmakers"). I am pretty sure this is different for those in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom -- I am hoping so, at least -- I will let you know when I get there.

Thank you for your inquiries,



Yours in eternal humble righteousness, 



Elder Steven Erastus Knudsen III

Testimony Time

Today is Fast Sunday in the Bosom of Abraham. And I would feel remiss if I didn't stand before you today and express my eternal gratitude for all of the wonderful blessings that I have had throughout my life, both when I was alive, and now when I am... When I am... [sniff]

I'm sorry. I didn't expect to do this...

I want to thank my parents, who in life would teach me correct principles.

I could always count on my mother to make sure that I had cleaned my room until it was sufficiently clean. And that...

I'm sorry.

...and that my clothes were neatly pressed. And wrinkle-free. And that I always went to every church meeting. Even when I was the only deacon in the quorum -- and was the deacon's president, and my own first and second counselor -- she would drive me to the presidency meetings, because that's what the Lord requires.

And I could always count on my Father to be reading scriptures whenever he... whenever he wasn't at work. And when I would talk to him, rather than shush me, he... he...

I'm so sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't do this!

...he bought me my own set of scriptures, with my own set of colored marking pencils. And we sat in the same room studying our scriptures together in solemn brotherhood, feasting upon the Lord's words together, father and son, (like Luke and Vader, even though I don't know who that is!) Such a marvelous example of choosing the better path.

And that's how I know that the church is true! And that's how I had the strength to... [sniff] to persevere! To sacrifice! To do what had to be done to make it where I am today, here... alone in... [sob]

I'm sorry. I didn't expect to be so emotional.

There aren't any tissue in the Bosom of Abraham.

What is this place?